much too long

 

On August 22nd, the sister of one of Georgies best friends is
getting married in Italy, Sicilia.
They are Italians and live in Germany, but the daughter is marrying
an italyan guy and they will live in Italy after the wedding.
And we are invited and are planning now to go by car to Italy
for the wedding and stay for two weeks.
We want to go on August 14th.

Our first real vacation and what a great one.
Well, I hope it will be agreat one. 
How amazing will it be to drive through whole Italy by car?
And I can´t wait to go to the wedding.
These Italians are soo great and nice.
I spend new years eve 2007 to 2008 with them and it
was awesome. Great people with great hearts.

So I´m really looking forward to this vacation …..
also for another reason. I don´t want to say too much
(because who knows what happens?)….but lets just say:
I think Italy and vacation is a great combination to
make a lot of loooove!!! 😉

Over 4 months. Way too long!

New year

Sorry for not posting for a month.

Christmas was nice.
We were at my parents and had a nice evening with, presents, simple food and playing cards.

On December 27th we made a trip to Georgis family and we stayed there until January the second.
I love his family. His mother with husband and especially his sister with husband and these two adorable kids who love me so much. (little Paula cried so much as we left that it hurt my heart 😦  )

And now, a new year started, we are back at work and I just can say that I feel really great.

Work is not that fun but it is O.K.. I have so much to do but I don´t set myself under pressure because I just cand do what I can do.

This morning I woke up at 4 o´clock in the morning and I layed awake for a while and thougth, that I am completly happy at the moment.
I have a wonderful man at my side that I have so much fun with.
We talked about children at his sisters house and I think we will really “do something” at the end of the summer 😉 (but we will see)

And we maybe have something coming up that is really huge and great.
Remember my post about missing my hometown but actually don´t wanna live there anymore because of my past? Well, it turns out that maybe the old woman next to my parents has to go to a foster home; well, she is already there since before christmas, but maybe (my mother thinks no) she comes back.

So, then this house is empty and we could buy it. Its right next to my parents house. Its a row house, but and end house. (you know what I mean)

I thought about living so far (its not that far, but far) away from my parents and I realized, that its maybe nicer to live near them. Think about babysitting 😉

There would be a lot to do in this house. New roof, new paint, we had to rebuild a lot. But that would be fun and we hope that the house is very cheap.

The think about this since the end of Dezember now and in our minds we already moved in there. But first the old woman has to move out for sure (she lives there for rent but I know that the company will sell it) and than they have to make an
assessment and advertise it.

I really hope so much that we can get it. We talk about it so much already and we would be really disappointed. *sigh*

So, wish us luck please.

Yesterday we were visiting my parents for christmas-cookie-baking.

The kitchen was a mess and in the middle my honey decorating
cookies, my father and the dog watching us, my mum swirling
around… I stood there and enjoyed this moment. It was so
wonderful. Just one thing was missing: a child that creates even more
chaos, with little hands who just want to help, beaming eyes…

But this will be one day.
It was fun. 

*

More pictures at Flickr.

home

We were visiting my parents yesterday in my hometown.

They miss me. Thats obvious.
Before, I lived just around the corner, visiting
them at least once a week.

Now I live one hour by car away. 

We took a long walk and they called my attantion to every
empty apartement or house on our way.

They want me to come back home some day.

I love my hometown. Its small and nice and quiet.
I growed up there. I know every path and every stone.

I would love to be near my family again.
Let my kids play at the same places as I did.

But, since this year I don´t feel very comfortable then I
am outside on the streets in my hometown; even on the
way to my parents in the car.

I´m always afraid that my Ex-boyfriend or one of his
family or friends come around the corner and I have to
face him/them.

I know its ridicolous. 
But do I want to live always in “fear” then I go outside?
The town is so small that you have to meet some day
in the supermarket or somewhere one day.
Maybe it will be forgotten in a few years, but at the
moment I dont think so because how the last month
went. (he is miserable, very)

Another point is, in my hometown the shools are not
that good and you don´t have any good opportunitys
for shopping or going out or do anything.

Potsdam is great. I love the town.
But raising children in a city?
Far away from my family?

Well, I don´t have to think about that now.
Because, as long as it is just the two of us, and even
when we have a child, as long as its under two years
old we could stay in our apartement here in Potsdam.

But where do we want to settle down?
Where do we want to build our house, our home?

Georgi is, as always, totally relaxed about that.
He is sure, that something perfect will come up for us.

And maybe he is right. Maybe a great opportunity
will find us then its time.

I´m looking forward to see what it will be.

Desire

At this very moment I wish I would be pregnant.
I want to have a child. A wonderful little person half
of me, half of Georgi. A child that we could love
more than everything in the world, that we could show
the nature, teach it to become a good person.

All this I desire to in this very moment.

But I know it´s to soon.
I have to work.
We have to save more money.
I want to have a little more time with Georgi alone.
I want to get married first.

But today in one year, I want to have all this done.
And then, today in one year, I hope we both decide
to set up a family.

Because I feel, that it´s time then.

Thy left

The whole last week Georgies sister with her family
where visiting us.

They loved Potsdam.
It was nice to have them near for this week.

But we are also glad that they are back home again. 😉

Sitting two kids a whole day was really kinda exhausting.
And I´m considering again to have kids by myself.

This two kids are adorable. Really. I love them.
But I was always happy to give them back to their
mother at the end of the day.

When I have own children, I have to be there
24 hours a day, every day. There are no
excuses like illness or no sleep.
What if I´ll get annoyed by my own kids?
What if I´ll get angry with them because
I can´t handle that?

O.K., I´m sure its different with own kids.
You love them a thousand times more than
nieces and nephews.
But…

O.K. I have to stop think about this stuff.
I wanna have kids.
And so I have to go through all this.

I´m a little scared. But I´m sure thats every
woman before she becomes a mother.

When the time is right, it will happen.

Qué será será ?

(Sarah, since I´ve found your blog I always have this song in my mind)

I am 27 years old. I will turn 28 in December.
I am not married yet and don´t have a child.
And sometimes, I´m asking me: why?

I had a boyfriend for 11 years. We met when I was 15 and he 19.
We loved each other and lived together for over 11 years, until
December of the last year. Then it ends. (but this is another story) 

We never got married or had a child becaus; first we were to young, then,
I couldn´t find a job for a long time and we had no money for anything.

So we were rational and wanted to wait for all this for better times.

But, so many young people get children anyway. You can always raise
a child if you have to. What you need the most for that is Love.

 

There are days, when I just can´t wait to have a child.
Get pregnant, hold a baby, my baby in my arms for the very first time,
raise a kid and shows it the world and give so much love…..

I am not trying to get pregnant. Georgie and I are together for about 8 months
now, that is too soon. And I want to get married first.

We are talking about to maybe get married in one year and try to have
a baby after that.

But can you plan something like that? And what, if something is happen again?
My Ex-boyfriend and I wanted to get married in May this year. So, that never happened.

What if something is coming up again? Anything?

What if it´s just not meant to be for me to be a mother? 

I love to watch pictures of babys, children, pregnant women…. 
I always cry when I see a birth on TV.
I imagine so often what a daugther of us would look like….

But if it hasn´t happen yet, will it ever be happen?

I really hope so.

Qué será será…..

So, what is up in my life at the moment?

I just came out of a hot bathtub. It has been a rainy day today here and I just had to take a bath.

My life is alright at the moment. I gained a foothold again at work (I don´t know if I used this right), after I had a hard time in spring. I was totally overwrougth, got sick… but since a couple of months everything is allright again and that feels great. I still have a lot to do, but I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

Memories are hunting me still. I have moments in which I just wanna scream and run away. The last week or the one before that, I felt terrible. Every few minutes I could have break into tears becaus of old feelings and memories…. It was cruel.

But now I feel great again, happy, hopeful and just content. But I also know, that bad feelings can come back. Its getting better with the time, I can feel that; and maybe I just have to live with this knowledge that I can have dark moments but there will always be sunshine again.

Georgie is great. I love him so much. Hes the most amazing person I have ever met in my life. Every day I get to know him better; find out about something more about him. Its so great. He surprises me again and again. I love that.

On the next weekend his sister with his brother in law and the two kids will come and visit us for a week.
I´m very exited about that. I love them all so much and I know that they like me as well. Especially the little daugter of them. Her name is Paula and she is 3 years old. She loves me so much and always want to have the same things as I have. I love to read to her from her books. I´m sure we will do that in this week much often. I really look forward to see them and show them Potsdam, our home.

The days passing by so fast. Its incredible. We have already August again. Didn´t I just scrachted ice from the windshield of my car before I went to work? In an blink of an eye we ill have autumn and when chrismas is not far away. And then, we will have a new year again.

Oh god, hey! I hate to think so far in the future. Its summer now. Its August and I have to learn to enjoy the TODAY! That has always been a bad habit of mine: live in the future and forget about the present.

A very easy weekend is behind us. We havn´t done much. Just haning around at home because of the bad weather. Tomorrow work is waiting again. Its time for vacation. We hope to fly to Greece in September. But nothing is fix at the moment.

I wish you all a very nice week.